Fantasy Draft Recap: The Penal System 2004

So my first draft of the year finished Sunday night in a STUNNING 1.5 hours, with 15 rounds of good and retarded picks galore. Since I know jack shit about football [that's a lie] I figure I'm going to critique everybody's draft. Consider it another excuse for me to talk shit about other people's pathetic teams.

Starting with of course, myself.

Team Name: The Fucking Retards
Team Owner: Matt Jordan (Me, bitch)
Draft Order: 4th of 12
Draft Picks:
1. S. Alexander (RB-Sea), 2. D. Culpepper (QB-Min), 3. C. Martin (RB-NYJ), 4. A. Toomer (WR-NYG), 5. J. Smith (WR-Jac), 6. New England (DEF), 7. J. Wilkins (K-StL), 8. J. Galloway (WR-TB), 9. D. Branch (WR-NE), 10. E. Smith (RB-Ari), 11. W. Green (RB-Cle), 12. G. Hearst (RB-Den), 13. M. Pollard (TE-Ind), 14. C. Palmer (QB-Cin), 15. Green Bay (DEF)
Best pick: Pollard in the 13th
Worst pick: Curtis Martin in the 3rd (just edges Emmitt in the 10th)
My Comments: I'm pretty pleased with how my team ended up. Getting Marcus Pollard in the 13th was a steal (if Peyton keeps going to him and not Dallas Clark), but I probably made up for that with crap picks of Emmitt, William Green, and Hearst in 3 consecutive rounds. Deion Branch could have a break-out year. Drafting C-Mart in the 3rd round could really hurt me later in the year if everything falls apart in New York. You hear that Pennington? I'm counting on you to give that offense some balance this year! Oh, and go Seahawks?

Team Name: Titsburgh Feelers
Team Owner: Allen Mathis
Draft Order: 1 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. P. Holmes (RB-KC), 2. S. Davis (RB-Car), 3. S. Moss (WR-NYJ), 4. S. Smith (WR-Car), 5. S. McNair (QB-Ten), 6. K. Winslow (TE-Cle), 7. R. Smith (WR-Den), 8. D. Driver (WR-GB), 9. A. Lelie (WR-Den), 10. Denver (DEF), 11. J. Kasay (K-Car), 12. T. Bell (RB-Den), 13. J. Delhomme (QB-Car), 14. M. Clayton (WR-TB), 15. R. Grossman (QB-Chi)
Best Pick: Priest Holmes in the 1st. If he didn't pick Priest, he'd be an idiot.
Worst Pick: Kellen Winslow in the 6th.
My Comments: Allen's got a pretty good team, but I'm suprised he leaned so heavily on the Carolina Panthers and the Denver Broncos for offense - two teams that very well could struggle. I don't think it will matter, as this team looks solid. Picking Kellen Winslow Jr. in the 6th isn't the best move in the world in my opinion - picking a TE in the 6th is a reach as TE usually don't give you too many fantasy points, and picking an unproven rookie TE is one hell of a gamble. I wouldn't have done it.

Team Name: Assclowns
Team Owner: Todd Rio
Draft Order: 2 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. L. Tomlinson (RB-SD), 2. T. Henry (RB-Buf), 3. M. Vick (QB-Atl), 4. L. Coles (WR-Was), 5. I. Bruce (WR-StL), 6. A. Boldin (WR-Ari), 7. D. Stallworth (WR-NO), 8. B. Williams (TE-NO), 9. B. Leftwich (QB-Jac), 10. S. Janikowski (K-Oak), 11. Dallas (DEF), 12. J. Jones (RB-Dal), 13. T. Calico (WR-Ten), 14. Pittsburgh (DEF), 15. L. Smith (PHI-TE)
Best Pick: Vick in the 3rd
Worst Pick: Donte Stallworth in the 7th
My Comments: Todd apparently drafted with his head in his ass. I like his first four picks, but from there, he started drafting injured and underperforming players. Though if his team ever gets healthy, they should be good. I don't know if it's worth suffering through 3-4 weeks of mediocrity to deal with winning later on. We'll see, but sadly I think this team might end up really, really good.

Team Name: Destructo Ray
Team Owner: Zack Brown
Draft Order: 3 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. A. Green (RB-GB), 2. H. Ward (WR-Pit), 3. M. Hasselbeck (QB-Sea), 4. C. Chambers (WR-Mia), 5. A. Johnson (WR-Hou), 6. Carolina (DEF), 7. M. Vanderjagt (K-Ind), 8. E. George (RB-Dal), 9. D. Clark (TE-Ind), 10. L. Johnson (RB-KC), 11. M. Alstott (RB-TB), 12. J. Reed (WR-Buf), 13. St. Louis (DEF), 14. R. Woods (SF-WR), 15. D. Bledsoe (QB-Buf)
Best Pick: Matt Hassebeck in the 3rd (just edges Vanderjagt in the 7th)
Worst Pick: Larry Johnson in the 10th
My Comments: I know picking LJ in the 10th is just for the off chance that Priest gets hurt, but it's a wasted pick that high. Zack and I have very similar draft styles, as I plucked a lot of players from him before he got the chance to pick him - but he did the same to me. I had Johnson and Vanderjagt ready to draft when he poached 'em. This team looks pretty well rounded, but the WR corps would make me a little nervous - with no solid QB in Miami, Chris Chambers could really suffer this year.

Team Name: The Mother Punchers
Team Owner: Drew Magee
Draft Order: 5 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. D. McNabb (QB-Phi), 2. C. Dillon (RB-NE), 3. C. Brown (RB-Ten), 4. T. Heap (TE-Bal), 5. C. Pennington (QB-NYJ), 6. L. Fitzgerald (WR-Ari), 7. P. Warrick (WR-Cin), 8. Q. Morgan (WR-Cle), 9. D. Akers (K-Phi), 10. Tennessee (DEF), 11. M. Robinson (WR-Min), 12. G. Jones (RB-Jac), 13. T. Taylor (WR-Bal), 14. D. Givens (WR-NE), 15. J. Morton (WR-KC)
Best Pick: Travis Taylor in the 13th round
Worst Pick: Donovan McNabb in the 1st round
My Comments: Drafting McNabb 5th overall is just incredible. He's maybe the fifth or sixth best at his POSITION, yet Drew drafts him that high. Drafting a TE in the 4th is pretty weak, and I would give him credit for pulling Pennington in the 5th, but the McNabb pick negates it. Also, quite a stretch picking Fitzgerald so high up - it's not like somebody else (in their right mind) was going to pick him before the 10th or so. Could be a long, long year in the cellar for Drew. Again.

Team Name: dung scrapers
Team Owner: Dan Cawl
Draft Order: 6 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. E. James (RB-Ind), 2. T. Holt (WR-StL), 3. Baltimore (DEF), 4. M. Bennett (RB-Min), 5. P. Burress (WR-Pit), 6. C. Rogers (WR-Det), 7. J. Shockey (TE-NYG), 8. T. Maddox (QB-Pit), 9. J. Elam (K-Den), 10. J. Rice (WR-Oak), 11. J. Plummer (QB-Den), 12. D. Foster (RB-Car), 13. Seattle (DEF), 14. O. Mare (K-Mia), 15. D. Clark (TE-Chi)
Best Pick: Plaxico Burress in the 5th
Worst Pick: Shockey in the 7th
My Comments: Dan drafted a pretty awful team. I honestly don't like his first four picks at all, and getting Plax at 5 at least helped him some. Shockey's all hype, and picking wash-ups like Maddox, Rice, and Plummer along with the backup Foster rounds out Dan's draft in a rough, rough way. I figure this team's gonna see a healthy rotation with the waiver wire and the FA pool.

Team Name: Off Twice
Team Owner: Matt Glass
Draft Order: 7 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. C. Portis (RB-Was), 2. D. Davis (RB-Hou), 3. T. Gonzalez (TE-KC), 4. D. Jackson (WR-Sea), 5. J. Porter (WR-Oak), 6. J. Garcia (QB-Cle), 7. J. McCareins (WR-NYJ), 8. B. Lloyd (WR-SF), 9. Kansas City (DEF), 10. S. Jackson (RB-StL), 11. R. Gardner (WR-Was), 12. T. Glenn (WR-Dal), 13. K. Warner (QB-NYG), 14. F. Jones (TE-Ari), 15. R. Dayne (RB-NYG)
Best Pick: Clinton Portis in the 1st
Worst Pick: Tony Gonzalez in the 3rd
My Comments: I'm from the school that doesn't bother picking TEs, Ks, and DEFs until the later rounds (at least 6-7th), but that didn't stop Glass. I like the pick of Portis, but picks 2-10 are pretty underwhelming. But I credit Glass with the quote of the draft, after drafting Kansas City's horrendous defense, that they'll be good because they've "got a new scheme." I hope he proves me wrong, because their old "scheme" let up 350+ points last year. Getting Warner late might be a good move, but make no mistake about it: this is a potential last place team.

Team Name: the bloody tampons
Team Owner: Robert Eaton
Draft Order: 8 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. D. McAllister (RB-NO), 2. M. Harrison (WR-Ind), 3. B. Westbrook (RB-Phi), 4. T. Green (QB-KC), 5. C. Garner (RB-TB), 6. K. Johnson (WR-Bal), 7. Tampa Bay (DEF), 8. K. Johnson (WR-Dal), 9. M. Gramatica (K-TB), 10. W. McGahee (RB-Buf), 11. T. Minor (RB-Mia), 12. J. Harrington (QB-Det), 13. E. Kinney (TE-Ten), 14. K. McCardell (WR-TB), 15. Buffalo (DEF)
Best Pick: Marvin Harrison in the 2nd (Trent Green in the 4th is a close second)
Worst Pick: Willis McGahee in the 10th
My Comments: I'm not totally sold on Westbrook, and other than Marvin I'm not a huge fan of Robert's WRs - but this team could be decent. There's absolutely no depth, his backups and reserves are the absolute pitts (Travis Minor, the not-going-to-play-this-season Keenan McCardell). I see Bobby in the bottom half of the league unless he gets-a-movin' with this team.

Team Name: Idontknowhoney
Team Owner: James Light
Draft Order: 9 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. J. Lewis (RB-Bal), 2. K. Barlow (RB-SF), 3. C. Johnson (WR-Cin), 4. D. Mason (WR-Ten), 5. K. Robinson (WR-Sea), 6. A. Brooks (QB-NO), 7. A. Crumpler (TE-Atl), 8. Miami (DEF), 9. M. Stover (K-Bal), 10. T. Wheatley (RB-Oak), 11. D. Bennett (WR-Ten), 12. J. McCown (QB-Ari), 13. A. Vinatieri (K-NE), 14. Minnesota (DEF), 15. I. Mili (TE-Sea)
Best Pick: Aaron Brooks in the 6th
Worst Pick: Kevan Barlow in the 2nd
My Comments: If Jamal can stay out of jail, then he's a steal at #9 overall in the 1st round. As is Aaron Brooks if he can get and stay healthy this year. But this is James we're talking about, so let me go ahead and predict a 12th place finish for this rag-tag band of crappy football players.

Team Name: Tyrannclitoris Rex
Team Owner: Andrew Marder
Draft Order: 10 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. M. Faulk (RB-StL), 2. T. Owens (WR-Phi), 3. B. Favre (QB-GB), 4. E. Moulds (WR-Buf), 5. D. Staley (RB-Pit), 6. P. Price (WR-Atl), 7. Philadelphia (DEF), 8. B. Franks (TE-GB), 9. P. Edinger (K-Chi), 10. W. Dunn (RB-Atl), 11. B. Johnson (QB-TB), 12. J. Witten (TE-Dal), 13. J. Brown (K-Sea), 14. R. Williams (WR-Jac), 15. Atlanta (DEF)
Best Pick: Brad Johnson in the 11th

Worst Pick: Atlanta's Defense in the 15th (...or at all. They were awful last year.)
My Comments: Andrew's draft turned out pretty decently for having the #10 pick. I'm concerned about Faulk and Favre's abilities to perform at their advanced ages, but Owens, Moulds, and Price make up possibly the most talented WR tandem in the league. If Brad Johnson plays to form, getting him in the 11th round is a steal. If not, then picks 10-15 were pretty much crap. Expect to see at least 3 in the FA pool by the end of September. And no 1000 yard rushers? Rough.

Team Name: Scrotum Stranglers
Team Owner: Todd Feldman
Draft Order: 11 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. R. Moss (WR-Min), 2. R. Johnson (RB-Cin), 3. J. Horn (WR-NO), 4. T. Jones (RB-Chi), 5. K. Jones (RB-Det), 6. T. Brady (QB-NE), 7. R. Williams (WR-Det), 8. T. Barber (RB-NYG), 9. D. Graham (TE-NE), 10. D. Carr (QB-Hou), 11. R. Ferguson (WR-GB), 12. A. Gates (TE-SD), 13. L. Evans (WR-Buf), 14. J. Feely (K-Atl), 15. Indianapolis (DEF)
Best Pick: Tom Brady in the 6th
Worst Pick: Thomas Jones in the 4th
My Comments: Feldman's got good WRs, but his RBs are pretty weak. Rudi's good, but Thomas, Kevin, and Tiki aren't exactly first rate backs. This team doesn't really scare me at all on paper (sure, Moss and Horn will score, but who else?) so this could be a long year for Feldman. But he's a very active player, so no matter what, I expect to see a lot of shake-ups in the roster and a lot of player movement.

Team Name: the assless chumps
Team Owner: Matt Cooper
Draft Order: 12 of 12
Draft Picks:
1. F. Taylor (RB-Jac), 2. P. Manning (QB-Ind), 3. Q. Griffin (RB-Den), 4. J. Walker (WR-GB), 5. R. Wayne (WR-Ind), 6. T. Duckett (RB-Atl), 7. R. McMichael (TE-Mia), 8. M. Bulger (QB-StL), 9. M. Booker (WR-Mia), 10. L. Suggs (RB-Cle), 11. I. Hilliard (WR-NYG), 12. R. Longwell (K-GB), 13. E. Kennison (WR-KC), 14. M. Muhammad (WR-Car), 15. A. Davis (WR-Cle)
Best Pick: Peyton Manning in the 2nd
Worst Pick: Quentin Griffin in the 3rd
My Comments: I'm not totally impressed by Quentin yet, though now that he's out of Portis' shadow, he really could show me up. Matt's team isn't as good as he'd hoped it would be, I'm sure, but it's not a bad team. A little shallow of depth in places, but a solid foundation to work with. As much as he hates to admit it, having Payton Manning around on your team is not a bad thing. Hell, I'd take him. [And no Defense? Huh?]

Ranking the Drafts by Position

Okay, I'm going to break down the 3 most important positions and tell you who I think had the best drafts. First up:

QUARTERBACKS:
1. Matt Cooper (Manning, Bulger), 2. Allen Mathis (McNair, Delhomme, Grossman), 3. Drew Magee (McNabb, Pennington), 4. Todd Rio (Vick, Leftwich), 5. Zack Brown (Hasselback, Bledsoe), 6. Matt Jordan (Culpepper, Palmer), 7. Andrew Marder (Favre, Johnson), 8. Robert Eaton (Green, Harrington), 9. Matt Glass (Garcia, Warner), 10. James Light (Brooks, McCown) 11. Todd Feldman (Brady, Carr), 12. Dan Cawl (Maddox, Plummer)

RUNNING BACKS:
1. Allen Mathis (Holmes, S. Davis, Bell), 2. Todd Rio (Tomlinson, Henry, J. Jones), 3. Matt Glass (Portis, D. Davis, Jackson, Dayne), 4. Matt Jordan (Alexander, Martin, E. Smith, Green, Hearst), 5. Dan Cawl (E. James, Bennett, Foster), 6. Zack Brown (Green, George, L. Johnson, Alstott), 7. Andrew Marder (Faulk, Staley, Dunn), 8. Robert Eaton (McAllister, Westbrook, Garner, McGahee, Minor), 9. Matt Cooper (Taylor, Griffin, Duckett), 10. Todd Feldman (R. Johnson, T. Jones, K. Jones, Barber), 11. Drew Magee (Dillon, Brown, G. Jones), 12. James Light (J. Lewis, Barlow, Wheatley)

WIDE RECIEVERS:
1. Andrew Marder (Owens, Moulds, Price, Reggie Williams), 2. Zack Brown (Ward, Chambers, A. Johnson, Reed, Woods), 3. Todd Feldman (R. Moss, Horn, Ferguson, Roy Williams, Evans), 4. Allen Mathis (S. Moss, S. Smith, R. Smith, Driver, Lelie, Clayton), 5. Todd Rio (Coles, Bruce, Boldin, Stallworth, Calico), 6. Matt Cooper (Walker, Wayne, Booker, Hilliard, Kennison, Muhammad, A. Davis), 7. Robert Eaton (Harrison, Kevin Johnson, Keyshawn Johnson, McCardell), 8. Dan Cawl (Holt, Burress, Rogers, Rice), 9. Matt Jordan (Toomer, J. Smith, Galloway, Branch), 10. Matt Glass (D. Jackson, Porter, McCareins, Lloyd, Gardner, Glenn), 11. James Light (Chad Johnson, Mason, Robinson, Bennett), 12. Drew Magee (Fitzgerald, Warrick, Morgan, Robinson, Taylor, Givens, Morton)

Now, let me know how ass wrong or ass right I am. I know people aren't going to agree with what I said, but tough.