Curiously Stupid

Okay, I have a problem. (Well not just one, but that's another story.) My problem is that I tend to stay up way too late.

I guess it runs in the family, as the house (except Dad) is usually still up and moving about well past midnight most days. Tonight, while waiting for my laundry to finish (I started it around 1130pm, 4 loads or so) I got bored - and when I get bored, I come up with dumb things to do. Then while sitting upstairs screwing around on my new/old Mac (a B&W G3 running Tiger if you care) I reached for a thing of candy I had recently bought and had an idea. I enjoyed doing my Jelly Bean post a couple weeks back, so I wanted to do another in a similar vein. So what's the target this time?

Altoids.

I figured if I'm going to do this right, I need as many flavors as humanly possible. So at 1215am I grabbed my wallet, keys, and phone and headed off to buy as many tins of that wonderful candy as possible. I first tried the local Super Wal-Mart, but they only sold the big multi-packs. I didn't need 3 tins of each, so no-go. I then headed to the nearby CVS Pharmacy which to my great delight, had Altoids Mints/Gum/Sours for $1 each if you had a CVS card. I didn't, but I managed to get the girl at the register to scan hers for me. So $12 later, I've got me an English shit-ton of confections:




Okay, so I've got the Altoids - but everybody knows that in order to do a proper taste-test, you need a palate cleanser. Or two. The Japanese use wasabi between rounds of sushi, so I decided that my palate cleanser should be something ridiculous. And they are:

On the left is a trusty Diet Coke, moderately chilled. Not too unusual, just your standard run-of-the-mill 12 fl. oz can of the nectar of the gods. In the center we have one 15.5 fl. oz bottle of Strawberry Yoo-Hoo, vigorously shaken and somewhat cold. Why strawberry and not chocolate or double fudge? Well, mint and chocolate go too well together, so of course...okay, honestly I have no justification for this. In fact, I really don't like Strawberry Yoo-Hoo. I'm dumb. To the left is one 16 fl. oz cup of Circle K's finest "English" Toffee Cappuccino, lukewarm and ridiculously sugary. How do I know it was "English" toffee? The dispenser had the word "TOFFEE" set over a picture of the Union Jack, so I just jumped to that conclusion. So between these three, I think I can annihilate any taste in my mouth. We'll see.

First contestant, Peppermint:

This is the best known, best selling, blah blah blah. How does it taste?! First off, on opening the tin you're greeted with the most wonderful smell. This is one of the better parts of eating these things, the aesthetics of opening the tin and being greeted with the aroma of the candy. So I snag two out of the box and toss 'em in my mouth. Verdict? Pretty tasty. Good peppermint taste, not too strong, but does leave a pretty heavy aftertaste in your mouth. So the original gets by with a "Very Good" rating.

Next up is Wintergreen:

These smell exactly like those old Wint-O-Green Lifesavers that we all remember eating with the lights off to see if you really could see a spark or not (I never could). The smell is great - but the taste is hella weak. These honestly taste a lot like just sugar, with a very light mint taste. Most assuredly NOT curiously strong. So the verdict here is "Decent".

(At this point I take a swig of Diet Coke and immediately realize that Coke + Mint is one of the worst tastes EVER. So at this point DC is only used after much Yoo-Hoo and Toffee Coffee.)

So at this point we move to Cinnamon:

See, Cinnamon and I have a love/hate relationship. I really hate Cinnamon and never would prefer to buy cinnamon gum/candy, but at the same time whenever I do eat cinnamon candy I always end up liking it a lot more than I remembered liking it. And I realize that probably made no sense, but bear with me, it's after 145am. These are easily the strongest smelling candies of the bunch, and I do have to admit that I love the smell of cinnamon. Taste verdict? These are good. Good and strong. Reminds me a lot of a childhood favorite, the Atomic Fireball. Chalk up an "Excellent" for Cinnamon Altoids, as much as that pains me to say.

Next, off to Spearmint:

Now, I've never liked Spearmint. Spearmint is Peppermint's bastard stepbrother. Sure it smells wonderful but the taste usually leaves much to be desired. That is exactly the same case here. When you open the tin you get blasted with a strong, wonderful fragrance and the sight of the small green candies. Unfortunately, then you actually eat the candy. Ugh. Verdict on this bad boy is a resounding "Disgusting". I proceed to finish the bottle of Yoo-Hoo. And then realize that Strawberry and Spearmint is another terrible combination. Dammit!


And look at that thick film left on the bottom of the Yoo-Hoo bottle!

Clearly I get an "F+" in "Shaking Vigorously".

Now to the moment I've been dreading: the dreaded tin of Liquorice:

As anybody who knows me well enough knows that I HATE the taste of liquorice. The flavor usually left for those evil black jelly beans is best left there, in my mind. I hate this damned flavor. So I open the tin (reluctantly) and of course, a terribly strong liquorice odor hit me in the face. That's strike one. Then I go to pick one out and do a slight double-take. White? The candy is white? See - liquorice candy is almost always black in color. I consider this nature's way of pointing out the less-than-desirable taste. But these are ominously white, and are just warm and inviting. Then I eat one. I have to really, really try hard not to spit these bastards across the room. TERRIBLE! The verdict here is somewhere between "Somebody Get Me a Brillo Pad So I Can Scrub the Taste Out of My Mouth" and "Oh why God?"

Noticably missing is Altoids flavor #6, Ginger. I couldn't find a tin of Ginger anywhere (I was shocked I even found a tin of Liquorice) so I had to just bite the bullet and pick up a few tins online:


[UPDATE: 12/19/05 6:11pm] Success!

Okay, so I went around town today to find some Ginger Altoids, and lo and behold, I found a few boxes of these rare tins at the local World Market - one of those fancy food stores that specializes in all things expensive and foreign. These are a bit odd to have in the states because let's face it, the only places that Americans are accustomed to having ginger is at Japanese restaurants and in drinkable Ginger Ale form. When I visited my grandmother growing up, she always had Vernor's Ginger Ale in the fridge. So I started liking ginger early on but like I said, being an American you're not really around the flavor of ginger all that often. When I opened the tin of Ginger Altoids, the smell was a very pleasant one. Smelled just like when I used to open up a can of Ginger Ale. So how did they taste? Very good, actually. These have a pretty strong sweet ginger flavor to them, with one hell of a kick for an aftertaste. Verdict for the Ginger altoids is "Great".


So we're through with the big tins, now it's on to the gum. This should be better.


First up this time is Cinnamon, since I had some good results with the hard candies. This gum delivers as well - a good, strong Cinnamon taste that hits you quickly. This stuff will obliterate your terrible breath. Chalk up another win for this gum, and an "Excellent" rating.


Peppermint gum is next, and interestingly - the flavor of peppermint is slightly different from that of the mints. Huh? For some reason, this gum is a LOT stronger. I'm a fan though. This gum too gets an "Excellent" rating.


From here on we're in the sour gums. First up is Sour Cherry. This tin sure smells good when you open it, but I was ill prepared for the taste. Is it sour? Oh hell yes it is. The sour cherry gum packs a wallop. The kind of sour that makes you curl your face up and say "damn" - and the flavor is good to boot. So far, this is easily the best thing I've tasted tonight. Mark it "Phenomenal", Dude.


Last up is the Sour Apple gum. This gum doesn't have much of an odor, but the taste again is incredible. The flavor is just like biting into a ripe Granny Smith apple, so if you like those, you'll love these. I'm a huge fan of both of these Sour Gums. So we'll just call this one "Incredible."

So in synopsis, if you like Cinnamon you can't go wrong with anything in a red and gold Altoids tin. If you're a fan of sour candies, the two flavors of the Sour Chewing Gum are right up your alley. The mint gum is great. The peppermint and wintergreen mints are good, the ginger is great, the spearmint is terrible, and the liquorice candies make you want to rip your own tongue out and mail it as far away from your central nervous system as geographically possible.

Dang, not tired yet. I guess I'll go see what's on TV.